“How does someone with so much hate in their heart learn to love? Maybe it is not hate that I am full of, but it’s not good things. Pain. Resentment. Lonesomeness. Do you have to overcome the bad to learn, or can you have both?
When I was young I somehow loved when I was low. Now I find it to be something very hard to do. The little tormented girl had such a huge heart. Part of me thinks her heart was so huge to make up for the pain.
I am fearful of love, really. As soon as things seem to be getting good I run. I run like my life depended on it. Like love was something toxic that I don’t want to catch. I see everything as a red flag. So much so that I don’t even know what real red flags are. I’m so ready to run that I try and push that feeling deep down, which leaves me easily manipulated.”
I wrote these words well over a year ago. Now I believe that I can have both. I do not have to lose the part of me that is in pain to love. I say “have to” as if the pain is something I want. That I am unsure. Most of the time I want to only feel love, joy, and happiness. But there is a part of me that thinks losing the hate, pain, resentment, and lonesomeness will be losing a part of me that makes me who I am. I can’t imagine myself without those feelings being a big contributor to my actions.
I still have the urge to run all of the time. Even the small things have my mind wanting to run. Run not only from love, but from everything in life: school, work, friends. Anything difficult comes along and my body says run. These are feelings I’m trying to work on by making myself stay and really deal with the root of each of the problems. I am seeing red flags more clearly and I would like to believe that I am much harder to manipulate.
While I feel as if I love more than I did over a year ago, I still do not love myself the way I wish I did. My feelings for myself tend to lean more towards hate. There is always room to grow.
C. L. S.